Sunday, October 6, 2013

Let's be vulnerable for a sec.

Let me start by saying I'm not good at being vulnerable.

I am VERY good at shoving shameful, uncomfortable, joyful things around to the deepest parts of my soul, like shoving things around the garage until everything is piled in the darkest corners where nobody goes to check because, as we all know, that's where the creepies spiders.  There is nothing worse than reaching to grab something and quickly pulling back with a sticky spider web wrapped around your hand and feeling the heebie-jeebies crawling up your arm.

I'm also good at running, hiding, stuffing, avoiding, excusing, pointing and all the other -ings that contribute to, well, nothing.  Nothing good.  Nothing except that numb feeling that takes over your heart, then gradually your chest, then maybe someday your head, like freezer burn that often takes over things shoved in other cold, dark corners (this sister knows alllll about that literal freezer burn, and please don't look in my fridge either...something may look back).

It's not that I don't let myself feel things, because feelings and thoughts are allowed to ebb and flow through me as long as my brain isn't lost in sleep.  It's that I won't ever share them.  Not even with my husband because, let's face it, he can hurt me the most.  He's my person and I feel most vulnerable to him.  So things are sent to hide.

But here I am, taking one or two things back out from those dark corners, making a pact, a promise, a whatever to be vulnerable.  And not just to those in the community around me, but mostly to myself.  Because another thing I'm good at is caring.  Caring for others, picking up after them, reminding them to do something good, cleaning their things, volunteering to help them, putting aside anything to be there for them.  Isn't this the best way to go about hiding?  Because nobody can ever fault you for such martyred selflessness *please read sarcasm* as caring for others.  And in the midst of this, I forget about the person I'm put on this earth to be and grow in to.  No matter the years that keep gradually accumulating, I still need to be caring and attentive and honest...and vulnerable...towards myself.

First step of caring for myself?  Stopping the procrastination!!  No more.  Done-skies.  In the past  ...maybe, I 'll try.  So, in that spirit, off I go to write papers and remind myself that school and its work and its never ending papers will be worth it :-)

XOXO, Jenni

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