In too deep

My summer term for school started up today and I'm done playing games.  Ya heard?

I'm going to invest my time and efforts in to my work because (a) contrary to what I'm usually deluded in to thinking, I actually like school and (b) school's fucking important.

No more crazy procrastinating, no more just getting by.  I'm awesome and I should live up to my full potential for awesomeness.

From Pinterest

I think part of the reason The Gloom has hit me so hard this year is because I'm not living for me.

Still.

Or again.

However you want to look at it.  Either way, I've tried to sort this out before and it's still not going well.

I am so ...addicted... to taking care of other people and putting them first that I forget to keep some stuff for me to function with.  Patience, compassion, bravery, mad cooking skillz.  I get home from work at the end of the day and barely have enough oomph left to clean up after dinner.  I drive home on mental autopilot, walk in the door, take off my shoes and sink in to the couch where I let myself slip in to a nearly catatonic state.  It's so much easier for me to zone out than it is for me to actively participate in life.  And because I'm not taking care of myself, my grades have fallen apart, my body has fallen apart, my emotions have fallen apart.  Basically, I'm a mess.

Putting others before yourself is supposed to be one of the highest levels of compassion, right?  At least that's what I've been taught.  Treat others as you would like to be treated, the golden rule.  But the flip side of that proverb is that we need to treat ourselves as well as we treat others.  The same way that I expect myself to treat others with overwhelming kindness, patience and respect is how I need to be treating myself.  And it's okay for me to ask that other people, the ones who I've let in to my heart, to treat me that way as well.  If they don't, well, that doesn't make me any less worthy of being treated that way, it just means that those people don't have their shit together yet, and that's not my fault or my issue to deal with.

I have more thoughts on all of this, and there's more reasons why I've been depressed on and off for the past two-ish years, but those thoughts are just too personal to publish for everybody on the Internet.  So they'll stay trapped in my mind, chasing each other round and round.

><><><

Sometimes life sucks, and I have no problem admitting that (please see the above melodramatic paragraphs), but sometimes life is really, really cool.

Exhibit A:  I'm taking a biology class this term for which I received a lab kit (!!!).  My fancy, shmancy lab kit includes: beakers, test tubes, gigantic ass tweezers, unknown liquids, protective glasses and a mortar and pestal.  I am so excited to do experiements and make lab notes and be all science-y.

This little beaut was posted on Instagram right after I got home from the post office:

SCIENCE.

Exhibit B:  Friday night Jon and I had a CAMP OUT NIGHT that I rocked like a second grader, except better because there was alcohol and no bed time.
We blew up the air mattress right in the middle of the living room floor, ate junk food, quoted movie lines and quickly fell asleep at ten pm like the old married couple we are.


Caesar likes to spot jack.

Exhibit C:  Jon and I headed over to a friend's to celebrate her graduation from grad school.  I have such smart friends.
The ladies beat to death a metallic piñata and the guys hung out outside playing beer pong for most of the night.  We drank strawberry rum with cherry soda and ate some delish BBQ.  Burgers, homemade guac - my fave, carrot cake.

As a fitting end to an awesome weekend, I made fresh salsa and then spilled it all over the back seat of my car.
Well, really more like I acciently dumped the entire bowl of salsa all over the back seat.  And do you know how difficult it is to clean salsa out of a fabric upholstered cushion?  I didn't.  The temperature has been hovering around ninety degrees for the past few days so opening my car door releases a gaseous plume of hot spicy/garlicy air.*

Also, for the record, Jon said it would be okay back there but he was wrong.

*This event is not have included in Exhibit C as it is not something that I would define as "really, really cool", especially as mercury is boiling out of thermometers.


Drowning (the metaphorical kind)

I like to hide.  I'm under the extreme illusion that hiding is safe, burrowed down like a little mole.  I cover myself in books and blankets and a few layers of rough dirt just to be sure.  Down in the dark, choking on compost, with knotted roots, earth worms and forgotton knickknacks, nobody can see me, interrupt me, disturb me.  I can't be affected.
What I fail to realize is that I'm not hiding, I'm buried.  Lifeless, six feet under.

It's been said many a time that I seem to be a sweet hippy girl of sunshine and floral prints, and I am.  Yet, similar to any good law of physics, I'm a creature of opposites.  I'm soft and fiery, intelligent and forgetful, bright and macabre.  I can't help but smile when I'm angry and crave lip piercings and purple hair.  I hum along to Amos Lee and cook to Bring Me The Horizon.  I knit scarves, whip homemade buttercream frosting and collect boxes and bags of tea (chocolate chai, blueberry green, mint).  I cuss my mouth blue, suck down tequila and yell at movie heroes to die horrible deaths.  I don't know what I'm doing half the time because I'm torn, seams ripping, ribs fracturing, between the sweet and happy and tough and dark parts of my psyche.

It's been impossible to reconcile the two images I have of myself: The first me that wears sundresses, white sandals and permanent toothy smiles and dances through grassy fields at sunset.  The second me that smirks, one eyebrow raised, through dagger sharp remarks and drinks clear liquor out of water bottles at punk shows.
How could those two personalities ever be friends nevertheless the same person?  How can other be people be friends with that person, with me?

So I hide.  I melt in to the corner of the couch, read twelve books, pile dishes in the sink and fuel myself with gallons of coffee.  Jon has stopped trying to approach me gently, no longer quietly rapping on my book covers for attention but yelling "I miss you!  Why won't you talk to me?  Pay attention to me.  Put down your books."  I give him dirty looks and lift the pages up higher over my eyebrows.

Its easier to slouch back in to corners than to embrace the possibility of things that hurt like rejection and disappointment.  Except this is completely illogical and, ironically, it really hurts.  So I just become disappointed in myself, and it's a vicious cycle of hurting then hiding to just hurt and hide some more.


I need to get the fuck over this.

Hard times and simple joys.

Yesterday, in a word, sucked.  It was true Monday Madness.

I'm not the type to air out dirty laundry, especially when it doesn't just involve myself, but let's just say that things at work aren't okay; being blamed for something that's not your fault by people you thought were friends is not fun.  A coworker I consider one of my best friends even came to my desk just to yell at me.  And though I don't have to go to work today, I'm counting on being shamed more when I go back tomorrow.  Whoopee.

That's why I thought it was appropriate to make-up Monday's Inspiration today!  There's never a bad time to bring some more positivity in to this world.  And its so important that, even through those times in which bad things are unjustly happening to you and you feel more alone than ever, you hold your head high and continue sharing love.

All images pulled from Tumblr.  Sources unknown.

Why does it seem that its during the tough, lonely times that we tend to find simple joys and build a strong sense of self?  Though, maybe it's just me.

Today's simple joys:

Watching Mirror Mirror (LOVE Lily Collins and the styling is ridic)

Working on homework

Drinking coffee

Doing laundry (better than lighting a candle)

Loving on my dog

Keep holding on, lovelies.  New beautiful things are waiting right around the corner.  And go find the simple joys, you won't regret it.

XO, Jenni

No, I did not die.

I worked, slept, started school, loved on my mom (she visited Germany!) and got two more jobs.

Let's just say that my life has been filled to the brim and any extra time was devoted to investing in friendships and absorbing as many books as possible before this seventeen credit semester started.


Can I just say that Divergent is amaze???  I'm saying it.  And it's the truth.  I read both books in two days, and then read the first book again.  There was even some picture floating around on my instragram with the hashtag "#obsessed".


To kick off this week, let's get some love and encouragement!

 

 

 

It's nice to see some kind, inspiring words on days that are harder to get through, as Mondays tend to be, so this will probably be a regular thing.  Maybe some clever name for these posts will come to me someday...but right now?  Yeah, three hours of sleep and a giant cup of coffee is not much to incite momentous creativity.


Current stats:
I'm currently taking 17 credits for my BS in Health Management.
My dog's still ridiculously cute.
Jon, the Hubs, my main man, still has red hair and a great butt.
We're all surviving.

Champagne Friday

Happy Champagne Friday, y'all!

What are we celebrating?!
Friday, duh!  Best day of the week.
Though, contrary to public opinion, Monday does have its good moments.

Now how about some Friday's Letters, shall we?

Dear homemade Asian salad dressing, you make this world a better place.  Thank you for being you, and I'm going to the store tomorrow to get goods to make more of you (recipe here).  Dear husband, I can't WAIT until you don't have all of this extra work anymore.  Then maybe we can, ya know, cuddle or something.  Whatevs.  Dear pups, you're my bff, and don't you forget it.  Dear Tudors, you.are.addictive!  Dramatic, scandalous, romantic.  Jon would never watch this show, ever, but it's the only thing I find myself turning on.  Maybe all this extra Army work is a good thing? Why don't ya keep him a little longer! ;-)

Sometimes I use wine glasses.

You ever have those moments when you love your salad dressing so much that your salad accidentally turns in to a soup?  Like "Love this dressing!  Better pour a bunch on ...yeah, no, damn, not that much."

True story.

The husband's on his way home (finally! it's almost 11pm) from work so I'm off to go spend time with him.

Will update with more pictures of my adorable pup tomorrow :-)

Some quick stats:

My mom and Jon's parents will probably come visit us this year :-)

Healthy eating, step one, is in affect.  I kind of love it, and it's good to do it just for me.

My diploma is on its way here, yay!

Step by Step

First of all, I'm not sure if you guys know but I'm an artist.

Jon came home, looked at the painting and, before even taking off his boots, asked "Did you really paint that?"  Why yes, babe, I really really did.  Then he asked me about two or three more times if I really painted it.  YES babe, I REALLY painted it, my initials are on the back.  "I can paint my initials on anything, that doesn't mean you painted it."  Oh my gosh.

Apparently I'm that good.
Though some girls thought their tree branches were coming out to look a lot like a certain part of the male anatomy, if you know what I mean.

***

Thanks for putting up with my lack of blogging.
Somehow I got stuck in a big, deep hole of depression.  I might have just gotten worn out working full time, trying to ace school and keep up the house.  Really, I think I got caught up trying to keep up appearances and lost my energy and myself for a while.  But little steps are bringing me back and it feels so good.  We're hanging in there.

Step 1.
Try new things.  Like group painting classes on post, evidenced above.  SO much fun, especially because they gave us free food and offered alcohol.  I'm probably heading over to play softball this Thursday, too.

Step 2.
Walk the pup every day.  We do this after dinner when the sun is setting and the heat is dissipating; it's gorgeous out.  I can't wait to take out my fancy camera and play around with taking some shots.  And you can't beat having such a cute model as this sweet thing, I can just never get over him (the blonde one, not the red head):

 My two big babies.

Step 3.
Eat well.  I'm planning our meals, pre-cooking chicken and quinoa, taking veggies to work and drinking tea instead of coffee (suffering on this one).  It's all about changing your mentality to change your health.  I've been using this uh-mazing app called Recovery Record to help change my thinking towards food and eating, try it out!

 Pre-cooking chicken in a little chicken broth and seasonings for lunches.

  

Step 4.

Really enjoy time with friends.  Johana and I, after painting trees and belting out song after song in the car on the way home, sat outside by the fire, drank "watermelon juice" (aka watermelon arizona iced tea and malibu, aka delish) and laughed so.much.

Serena and Blair.

***

I feel better with structure, and I feel better when I'm not giving 100% to everybody with nothing left for myself.

So I'm cleaning and organizing, and I'm staying strong while taking care of myself.

It's a weird in-between phase so please bear with me.

We'll all be okay.  Right?  Right. :-)

To be free.

Phreeing street art in Prague, the most amazing city that was ever under water.

This last week a flu took me out for the count.  My whole body ached, my head wouldn't stop pounding or swaying and my throat is still scratchy.  At least the whole 'zoning out and drooling' bit has stopped.  Though I hadn't been able to figure out where this crazy bout of sickness grew out of.

I've been good, I've been healthy, and nobody around me has come down with a similar plague.  But my life has been completely consumed by stress.  My spare time is spent thinking of contingency plans; driving in to work buzzing with numbers and percentages to save for "just in case"; falling asleep stacking mental lists of steps to take should failure come.  I'm preemptively falling apart, getting ready for a life that isn't here and may never be, because I'm scared.  I said it, I'm freaking scared.  What if, then what, how?  It's all impossible, of course.  But it's not.

So, this is all going to change.  Baby steps though, ya know.  Like first of all, a nice night of delish, wholesome takeout while the hubby is out doing Army things.

Brrruuuuuscchettaa

And then Johana, Jon and I walked around Regensburg in the sun (finally!).  We had ice cream, I was actually warm and it was fantastic.  Johana and I dragged Jon around stores and I bought the most scandalous dress I've ever owned and it looked amazing on.  No pictures of that one.  Sorry, mom.  But I do have a picture of this amazing lotion that we had to fight the sales lady for, "There are bottles that say tester, please use those.  That doesn't say tester.  Can you please scoop the lotion with the small plastic shovel thing?  You're smelling that candle wrong.  I hate you and you can't do anything right."  But Jon was sweet and quietly said over my shoulder, "You know, if you want something then you can get it.  Get something babe."  So I did, and I smiled huge and cheesy as the sales lady bagged it up and slipped a sample of body scrub in to the bag.

It makes me smell like a lady.

I woke up this morning feeling like I did last weekend, like I'd stayed out until five a.m. dancing crazy and throwing back shots (there's a post for that but I feel like this should go up first).  But I think that's just because yesterday was so good; I threw myself in to it and the day was warm and better for it.  Today ended well too, very satisfying.  Johana and I went grocery shopping on post, painted our nails and watched Sex in the City.  Jon and I had pizza for dinner.  I took out the trash and listened to relatively old pop-punk that makes me too happy.  It was so normal and it's all felt so good.  Maybe it's that sweet, slow settling warmth that goes along with long summer days.  Maybe it's that I've had coffee for the first time in a week.

Worrying doesn't make my life better.  Anxiety takes away my joy.  Those two old friends will soon be leaving, step by happy step.