Sunday, June 9, 2013

To be free.

Phreeing street art in Prague, the most amazing city that was ever under water.

This last week a flu took me out for the count.  My whole body ached, my head wouldn't stop pounding or swaying and my throat is still scratchy.  At least the whole 'zoning out and drooling' bit has stopped.  Though I hadn't been able to figure out where this crazy bout of sickness grew out of.

I've been good, I've been healthy, and nobody around me has come down with a similar plague.  But my life has been completely consumed by stress.  My spare time is spent thinking of contingency plans; driving in to work buzzing with numbers and percentages to save for "just in case"; falling asleep stacking mental lists of steps to take should failure come.  I'm preemptively falling apart, getting ready for a life that isn't here and may never be, because I'm scared.  I said it, I'm freaking scared.  What if, then what, how?  It's all impossible, of course.  But it's not.

So, this is all going to change.  Baby steps though, ya know.  Like first of all, a nice night of delish, wholesome takeout while the hubby is out doing Army things.


And then Johana, Jon and I walked around Regensburg in the sun (finally!).  We had ice cream, I was actually warm and it was fantastic.  Johana and I dragged Jon around stores and I bought the most scandalous dress I've ever owned and it looked amazing on.  No pictures of that one.  Sorry, mom.  But I do have a picture of this amazing lotion that we had to fight the sales lady for, "There are bottles that say tester, please use those.  That doesn't say tester.  Can you please scoop the lotion with the small plastic shovel thing?  You're smelling that candle wrong.  I hate you and you can't do anything right."  But Jon was sweet and quietly said over my shoulder, "You know, if you want something then you can get it.  Get something babe."  So I did, and I smiled huge and cheesy as the sales lady bagged it up and slipped a sample of body scrub in to the bag.

It makes me smell like a lady.

I woke up this morning feeling like I did last weekend, like I'd stayed out until five a.m. dancing crazy and throwing back shots (there's a post for that but I feel like this should go up first).  But I think that's just because yesterday was so good; I threw myself in to it and the day was warm and better for it.  Today ended well too, very satisfying.  Johana and I went grocery shopping on post, painted our nails and watched Sex in the City.  Jon and I had pizza for dinner.  I took out the trash and listened to relatively old pop-punk that makes me too happy.  It was so normal and it's all felt so good.  Maybe it's that sweet, slow settling warmth that goes along with long summer days.  Maybe it's that I've had coffee for the first time in a week.

Worrying doesn't make my life better.  Anxiety takes away my joy.  Those two old friends will soon be leaving, step by happy step.

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