Thursday, April 24, 2014

I've decided that I want to write, so I'm going to write.  I haven't wanted to until lately, but something's been happening (not sure what, honestly) that's kind of been nudging me to start writing things out again.  Like really putting things down on this virtual paper and feeling things through.  That's what writing does, for me at least, it helps me feel things, totally and completely, which is probably why I avoid it.  Sometimes it's tricky to feel things.

For the past however-many months, I've felt as though life is spinning out of control on it's own.  I haven't been able to decide what I want to do, when I want to do it or who I want to do it with, and it's been kind of devastating in a way.  I like to have control and independence, but I haven't had much of either lately.  I feel like I've had to bend to whatever comes through just to make sure that the husband and I make it in this thing called life.

I don't want to it to be like that anymore, the bending and twisting so much that I don't know what I actually look like anymore.  I want to be myself.  I want to decide things for myself, even if that means putting down the cake and grabbing a carrot, or giving in to my my random hippie tendancies like universal love and unbrushed hair, because I want to choose the better option; I want to choose a good life for me.  I can serve people allllll I want to, but this life will feel wasted if I look back on it and wonder where Jenni was through the whole thing.  Yes, I made sure the house was clean and food was on the table, and that I graduated from college, and that people at work liked me, and my friends invited me to things, but was I present through any of that?  Because that's what matters.  Not how many people like me, or if I get a 4.0, or if my legs look awesome in a pair of shorts.  Yeah, I'd sure as hell really like those things, but they won't make this life, the only one I've got (yolo!) WORTH it.  Ya know what I mean?

So here I am, being present.  I'm writing again and working my butt off at school and work; I'm having some delicious vegetables for dinner my hair hasn't been brushed in a week (by the way, amazing!  who decided that we have to brush our hair anyways?).  Badass, go-getter, hippie Jenni is back and it's starting to feel so.damn.good.

From Pinterest
Right now I'm in Garmisch for work.  It's quite gorgeous actually.  I took some pics with my fancy camera and will upload them once I get home.  These military computer people are quite big sticklers about removable storage devices.  LAME...though not really because I get it, it's the military, blah blah blah.
It's been lonely being here, and it's kind of been nice to be lonely.
Jon and I have been in such a good place lately that I really, really miss him.  It's not like we're not used to absences from each other.  I mean, he's in a training unit in the military, he's gone all the freakin' time.  But maybe it's different now because I'm the one that's gone, and that's weird.
But I'm also liking doing things just for me.  No compromise about what to watch on tv, or where/when is convenient to do homework, or working out early in the morning.  Maybe it's messed up that I have to compromise on those things at all when I'm at home, but it's how things work for us right now and so it's okay.  And because that's how things are, it's nice to be temporarily be someplace where that's how things aren't.
To conclude, I'm making a two and a half hour drive back home after work.  It's gonna' suck.

No comments:

Post a Comment