Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Confession: I'm a nervous wreck

If it isn't already obvious, let me just throw it out there that I am a huge worrier.  Actually, I'll just cut the crap and admit that I have straight up anxiety.  Small things, past things, all things, it doesn't really matter, my brain just needs some type of fear to latch on to and get worked up about.

Usually it starts from some insignificant thought like "I need to pick up dog food after work today."  Totally normal, right?  But then my mind starts to gradually pick up speed and turn out shit like "How the hell are we going to buy dog food when Jon gets out of the Army?!  We're going to be broke and maybe end up living out of a shopping cart on the street!!  Homeless people love dogs though, so we'll fit in, right???  They'll accept us...maybe they'll take pity on us for being so newly homeless and share their dog food??  And we won't be able to take showers to maybe I'll have to grow out dreads???  Damn, our finger nails are going to get disgusting."  And so it goes.

I'd really like to say that I totally made up the melodrama of that scenario buutttt I didn't.  That whole thought process has really happened in my big ol' brain.
Thank God it's big because it gives me so much more room to worry.
Yeah, I'm sick.

Source
Anxiety has this nasty little habit of making you feel completely alone and, if I could sum up anxiety in one word, hopeless.  It rips away your self-assurance and leaves you feeling really scared and exposed, alienated.  It feels like you tried and failed and ended up three levels below everybody else on the planet, like the worst possible thing is going to happen because you are completely failing at life.

This morning I fell in to one of these sinkholes while driving to work.  The sun was out, the sky was blue, the grass was green and all I could think about was how much more money we need to save up before Jon gets out and, ohdearlord, what if he can't use his GI Bill and we can't pay the car payment and how am I going to buy all the Mexican food that I really need when we're back home and dead flat broke?*
*Note: Usually my anxiety-driven mental tirades are made entirely of panicked run-on sentences.

Everything in my world was fine yet I knew that I was going to fall apart and fail at life.  I was starting to get panicked and, if I must admit, really freakin' down, and it was only 7:30 in the morning.  I could feel stress starting to creep over my shoulders and down my spine in an attempt to smother me like a scratchy wool blanket in the middle of summer.

Then Jon drove passed me in his little red car, fanatically waving and smiling at me.  He was driving some of the guys around so they were all pressed up against the windows waving and smiling too.  And I was reminded that, you know what, I am not alone.  Not even in my stress and my failure and my falling apart.  This thought changed everything for me.  Right away my brain short-circuited, my mouth dropped open (literally) and those scary, tormenting thoughts ran away.  My world was righted.

I know that I'm again sounding unecessarily melodramatic, but it's all true.
There's this pretty damn cute guy that, even when I want to break a plate over his head, is my absolute best friend.  We fight, sometimes pretty badly, and have gone days without talking to each other, but I know that because of him I will never be alone.  He'll be there to deal with my spit phobia, incessant talking on long drives and whenever I get a case of the crazies.


This is all about anxiety but I guess it's all about relationships too.  They make my world, and even THE world, go round.

I don't know what I'd do without that ginger fella.

13 comments:

  1. Anxiety was something I didn't realize was such a big problem until I started reading other blogs. It's more common than I thought. Next time you feel alone, you could try reading some of the stuff by The Bloggess, she's pretty open about her struggles with it. Or this post at I Am Begging My Mother Not to Read This Blog.

    I'm glad you have someone to help you through it!

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    1. Thank you for sharing those blogs with me! I really enjoyed reading through their posts, and the Bloggess had me sniggering behind my computer at work :-)

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  2. I'm a huge worrier too! The anticipation before a huge event seriously makes me sick sometimes!! I drive myself nuts with the "what ifs?"

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    1. Oh man, I'm sorry, that's so not a fun feeling. And I totally get it, the Army makes me feel that way alllll the time. It's their secret diabolical agena maybe, to drive me crazy lol
      Let me know if you ever want to swap ways of dealing with that stuff! From one anxious person to another, I got you.

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  3. lol you're so funny! i used to be kinda like this but have gotten better as i have gotten older. yay for having a great guy by your side!

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    1. Thank you!! He's definitely had moments where he would like to shove me, and my anxiety, in a hole somewhere but he has been pretty damn patient for the most part.
      Do you think your anxiety just kind of went away on its own or did you figure out a way to make it better? Teach me your ways :-)

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  4. I'm sorry to hear you suffer with anxiety but while I was reading your post I was thinking maybe I do too, I always say I'm a thinker and that's why my brain is in constant overload of thoughts but the way you've described how you feel sounds very similar to how I have felt on many occasions :( And with that happy note, at least you're not alone in it :)

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    1. Sometimes I feel the exact.same.way. Truly. Just a bunch of thoughts swarming around up there.
      Have you found anything that helps? What most often works for me is making sure the house is picked up (a cluttered house always makes my mind feel the same), reading and walks outside.
      You're not alone either! :-)

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  5. Anxiety is an awful feeling but its great you have someone to remind you that you're not alone!

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    1. Oh yeah. He drives me completely off-my-rocker crazy sometimes but then he's sweet and stuff and I just don't know what I'd do without him...ugh, boys.

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  6. anxiety is tough thing to live with but can be manageable if you allow yourself to take a step back and breathe. that's what i had to do when things felt out of control for me. it's not bad anymore; maybe i got older and gave less shits?

    thanks for linking up!

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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    1. Thanks for getting that link up going! It's fun to read through everybody's posts and find new blogs.

      Giving less shits is a realy good plan, actually. I should start trying that more often.
      Sometimes I delude myself in to thinking "Wow Jen, you're so chill and go-with-the-flow" and then four cups of coffee later I realize I'm a horrible, horrible liar. Hyperventilating on the autobahn is not very go with the flow, +1 anxiety.

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  7. I have anxiety too. I've had it since I was a kid, now that I'm older and realize what is "wrong" with me, I can look back and see times where I was having panic attacks/anxiety "flares" even as a child. Pretty crazy, but I've found talking about it with people that understand me and my "issues" helps, as well as exercise and distracting my crazy brain by reading or engaging in other fun hobbies.

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